“Accepting my disability over the last year has meant that I have to come to terms with the fact that I cannot make it on my own and that terrifies me. I was hoping to ‘heal’ myself out of that. I often feel safest not relying on anyone and not needing anything that I can’t provide for myself because then I can’t get rejected, hurt, abused, criticized and the like. I am trying to avoid suffering by becoming neurotypical and able to follow the pace of one such person. It is a very self-loving pursuit, actually.”
This kind of blew my mind! Not only do I relate to the act of trying to “heal” myself out of autistic traits (before I knew they were autistic traits) but I was really moved by the perspective you offered about us trying to become neurotypical. That it is an act of self-love. I suppose all this time I’ve been considering it as an act of self-flagellation.
The more I think about it, it might be both - the root of the impetus is loving but the outcome is damaging.
I wish you all the best in your recovery from burnout. I scored 130 on my CAT Q, btw!
Yikes I got 159 on my CAT-Q - it's so unbelievably engrained - I'm finding that the burnout is fighting the masking now.
Hard relate here: "I often feel safest not relying on anyone and not needing anything that I can’t provide for myself because then I can’t get rejected, hurt, abused, criticized and the like."
This was such a wonderful read, I love your mind Emily, and love the conclusion here. 🪷💠🌺
I feel like I could have written this myself. Pretty amazing! I did the Cat-Q a few weeks ago and got 154.
I’ve actually just started realising that not only am I learning stuff by acknowledging my neurodivergent and physical struggles but the people I love are too. Great timing.
In some ways the burnout is a blessing because I literally can’t go back to hurting myself as badly as I was. I can’t push through things like I used to. I seem to have lost the skills that I used to have so it would be nice to turn on masking again but at the same time I know I wouldn’t use it responsibly lol.
In other ways learning to be nicer to myself has resulted in my writing and reading skills to come back after more than 15 years, and I’m closer to the people I love.
The executive function and ramping up of sensory issues is awful but it’s nice feeling like I’m actually in touch with myself more now. It used to take my body or brain screaming at me for me to hear it but now I’m healing my nervous system and my inner voice is often quieter now. I’m enjoying looking after the sensory seeking side and sensory avoiding sides and not ending up so overwhelmed.
It’s been hard relying on my husband for co-regulation. I even body doubled with a spider for a while. Relying on other people was always hard because I grew up with a very physically and mentally sick mum so I couldn’t afford to have needs. But I’m starting to engage with myself.
I’ve accepted like my glasses I need certain supports and I’ve stopped making that a moral problem. I’m not a broken neurotypical, I’m a neurodivergent person existing in a world not built for me with a system that tries to process everything all the time, all at once.
I’d definitely like to hear more about your burnout articles when you feel ready please. But yeah, your newsletter has definitely been a key part in my healing, thank you.
This was such a beautifully articulated article, Emily, thank you. I can really relate to so many of the themes here as I learn more about my own autism and how to navigate life.
I’m trying to lean into just being me and stop trying to squeeze myself into a neurotypical shape but it is so hard to unlearn all of those ways!
I’ve also just finished your book (Can you turn the lights off?) and just wanted to say how much I loved it. I love your writing so much and I felt every word of your book, it was stunning, thank you.
“Accepting my disability over the last year has meant that I have to come to terms with the fact that I cannot make it on my own and that terrifies me. I was hoping to ‘heal’ myself out of that. I often feel safest not relying on anyone and not needing anything that I can’t provide for myself because then I can’t get rejected, hurt, abused, criticized and the like. I am trying to avoid suffering by becoming neurotypical and able to follow the pace of one such person. It is a very self-loving pursuit, actually.”
This kind of blew my mind! Not only do I relate to the act of trying to “heal” myself out of autistic traits (before I knew they were autistic traits) but I was really moved by the perspective you offered about us trying to become neurotypical. That it is an act of self-love. I suppose all this time I’ve been considering it as an act of self-flagellation.
The more I think about it, it might be both - the root of the impetus is loving but the outcome is damaging.
I wish you all the best in your recovery from burnout. I scored 130 on my CAT Q, btw!
Yikes I got 159 on my CAT-Q - it's so unbelievably engrained - I'm finding that the burnout is fighting the masking now.
Hard relate here: "I often feel safest not relying on anyone and not needing anything that I can’t provide for myself because then I can’t get rejected, hurt, abused, criticized and the like."
This was such a wonderful read, I love your mind Emily, and love the conclusion here. 🪷💠🌺
I feel like I could have written this myself. Pretty amazing! I did the Cat-Q a few weeks ago and got 154.
I’ve actually just started realising that not only am I learning stuff by acknowledging my neurodivergent and physical struggles but the people I love are too. Great timing.
In some ways the burnout is a blessing because I literally can’t go back to hurting myself as badly as I was. I can’t push through things like I used to. I seem to have lost the skills that I used to have so it would be nice to turn on masking again but at the same time I know I wouldn’t use it responsibly lol.
In other ways learning to be nicer to myself has resulted in my writing and reading skills to come back after more than 15 years, and I’m closer to the people I love.
The executive function and ramping up of sensory issues is awful but it’s nice feeling like I’m actually in touch with myself more now. It used to take my body or brain screaming at me for me to hear it but now I’m healing my nervous system and my inner voice is often quieter now. I’m enjoying looking after the sensory seeking side and sensory avoiding sides and not ending up so overwhelmed.
It’s been hard relying on my husband for co-regulation. I even body doubled with a spider for a while. Relying on other people was always hard because I grew up with a very physically and mentally sick mum so I couldn’t afford to have needs. But I’m starting to engage with myself.
I’ve accepted like my glasses I need certain supports and I’ve stopped making that a moral problem. I’m not a broken neurotypical, I’m a neurodivergent person existing in a world not built for me with a system that tries to process everything all the time, all at once.
I’d definitely like to hear more about your burnout articles when you feel ready please. But yeah, your newsletter has definitely been a key part in my healing, thank you.
This was such a beautifully articulated article, Emily, thank you. I can really relate to so many of the themes here as I learn more about my own autism and how to navigate life.
I’m trying to lean into just being me and stop trying to squeeze myself into a neurotypical shape but it is so hard to unlearn all of those ways!
I’ve also just finished your book (Can you turn the lights off?) and just wanted to say how much I loved it. I love your writing so much and I felt every word of your book, it was stunning, thank you.